I'm Sorry

I know I haven't written anything in a while,just didn't want to get burned out on writing on a daily bases,sometimes it's hard to think of what to write..so here it goes,sorry if it seems kinda grim...   I had a dream of him last night...he was alive.When I saw him my mind raced to come up with a logical explanation as to why he was alive and standing in front of me.My eyes scanned his entire form to make sure everything I remembered about him was still in place and to also make sure he hadn't changed some how since I last saw him.The last time I saw him was the day before he died,I had a vision of him getting hit by a bus,I never got to say good-bye or see ya later,he was just gone. I have only had 3 dream of him since the day I lost him and this would make the 4th...4 dreams in 4 years, I dream of him once a year...perhaps because our son is 4 and I know that they never got a chance to know each other and because I feel like he abandoned us, to do this on my own without him.Unfinished business I call it,it will always be unfinished business. He was mine,our perfect love that burned like liquid fire,he will always be mine and I will always be his..my heart will always hurt, the longing for his company,his touch,his smile,everything.I wish I could have saved him, I didn't even find him,but I somehow knew something was wrong that morning,something didn't feel right,I knew someone close to me had died. Did he go peacefully?,did he feel any pain?,was he afraid?,did he even know he was dying?,did he do this to himself?.I am so angry,so many questions that will never be answered. He died there,she found him.Why not me?,why didn't I find him,should it have been that way?,or better for me to not have to see him that way..confused..2 days later I saw him,lying there,I wasn't in my right mind,we just had a baby,we were in-love and blissfully happy and then nothing..darkness...I couldn"t see his face for it was blocked from my view...just the outline of his legs and feet,draped in white..you try to come to the realization of the truth,then again if you don't see it then it's not real, so reality doesn't apply..then you begin to panic for fear of the truth,then the truth knocks the breath out of you until your on the floor gripping your chest and crying,but no sound comes out,and no one can help you,only the person in front of you who is no longer there.You swear that this better not be a joke.."ha ha got ya" but relived and pissed at the same time if it was..but it's not,and you loose yourself and any sense of who you are,you die with them..he was my air,I loved him and craved him and it hurt to be apart from him for more than 5 minutes for fear I might never get to see him again,and then you don't.You face the reality that you have to spend the rest of your life without the person who was your reason for living,for laughing, for loving,for being.I would move heaven and hell just to see him,to hear him laugh,to have him back,but I can't, grief is a cruel and twisted card that is dealt.I hope in some way,through all the stuff I have been through that there really is a heaven and that he is there,waiting on me..peace at last,the hole in my heart fixed. I dream of him,not as often as I would like and maybe that's my
heaven,him telling me in some way that he is still here somehow,like the air.